Ok, so maybe the average guy just wants to get with the girl that looks hot, talks dirty, and is willing to rip off her clothes faster than you can say Tori Black. But that doesn’t mean all guys are like that. No, really. Most guys talk a big game, and say they’re only after girls so they could sample the goodies. But deep down they’ll always long for something else: to be nurtured and loved.
And because men are naturally more fragile than they’d like to admit, any girl who doesn’t get the motherly seal of approval will only get added to the “things to do” on a guy’s bucket list. So here are the top 10 girls guys should avoid if they ever wish to live happily ever after.
#10. Upskirt girl
Most men appreciate the curves of a woman and her gratuitous sex appeal. But some women don’t get that there is a time and place for everything. Females in search of a cheap fling should go to a strip club and not strut through family malls wearing a skirt so short that it causes innocent kids to choke on their lollipops. If a girl’s willing to show her butt cheeks to the world for free, a guy will never be sure what else she’s willing to share with everyone else for under a buck.
#9. The Prostitute
Prostitutes are like those flagship toys parents give their kids on Christmas. At first their eyes twinkle as the toy spins, bends, and makes the most delightful noises when touched. But usually by New Years Day the buzz is gone and they’re scratching their heads, wondering, “Is that all it can do?”
#8. “Like” Girl
Did you see that guy? He’s like, so cute. He looks like a supermodel. He must be … like really cool. He’s like, totally hot, like totally! Most guys are willing to put up with a girl who occasionally makes fun of their intelligence, providing her IQ warrants it. But when a girl’s vocabulary is so limited that hearing her talk ruptures vessels in a guy’s head, he’ll constantly want to blurt out, “Would you shut the hell up! You’re like … so frickin’ dumb!”
#7. Ms. Faker
This woman will smile and compliment her friends on everything. But as soon as she gets home she’ll tell her guy all about her day: “Rachael is such an idiot! She’s thirty-five and dresses like a horny teenager! Meanwhile the guy will be wondering, Isn’t Rachael her best friend? Then he’d start to worry about personal things. “Hold up, last night you told me I was da bom’!”
#6. Da Momma
Most guys love their moms, but that doesn’t mean they want to have two of them. “Adam, pick up your clothes from the floor!”, “Adam, that music is too loud!”, “Adam, take off those damn video games and go get ready for work!” Guys despise Momma Syndrome girls, not because they try to make them less of a slob. But because the girls try too hard to make their guys into snobby perfectionists. A true mother knows when to let up!
#5. Evil Girl
A girl so evil it aint funny. Initially this girl’s traits may seem all cute and innocent, as she shamelessly whips her guy at Street Fighter and whatnot. But when a guy comes home late from work one night and as he opens the door has to muster the reflexes to dodge a vase or frying pan, that’s when it becomes certain that “Evil girl” got promoted to “The dark one from hell.”
#4. The Guttermouth
She knows so many four letter words that her talent eventually evolves into a literary superpower: the ability to double hyphenate those words and mass produce new ones. Now imagine when you have kids singing along to classic Barney songs in front of the television going, “I love you. You love me. We are a happee familee.” The TV mysteriously cuts off, and the child spills, “What the—!” Flock doesn’t quite cut it.
#3. The Roughneck Chick
The girl who walks into a room filled with her boyfriend and the guys, picking her teeth with a matchstick. “What’s up, my nizzle? Where we rollin’ at tonight? Then she burps, passes gas, and curls a finger in her nostrils all at the same time. Oh c’mon! Even most guys don’t act this uncouth.
#2. Queen B
No girl could probably ever trump “The dark one from hell” but a queen B can sure come close. “You’re not making enough money!”, “You’re a sorry excuse for a man!”, “You’ll never amount to anything!”. She constantly belittles and abuses her guy in every form and fashion, especially when in public. Sorry, but this is one girl a man might end up tying on a stake and poking with a ten foot pole while screaming, “Take that you bit*h!”
#1. Lady Bragger
She’s obsessed with bragging. “My man is soooo strong. He’s just like Superman, bulging muscles, made of steel and everything. Bullets can’t even hurt him, but he does have a weak-point, and I’m the only one who knows where it is.” Then one evening she gets a call from the hospital. She rushes there and finds her boyfriend lounged in bed, looking sarcastic. “Hun, guess where I got shot today?”
“Where hun? Where?”
“Right in the ass!”
